Divorce: getting through the separation for yourself

This guide is psychoeducational content. It replaces neither psychological support nor the advice of a lawyer or mediator. If there has been violence, threats or control in your relationship, separation is a period of increased risk: do not organise it alone, read our programme Coercive control: recognising it and getting free, and contact a specialist helpline in your country or, if you are in immediate danger, the emergency services. If you are thinking about dying or harming yourself, call your doctor the same day. For what your children are going through and the words to talk to them, read Supporting a child or adolescent through their parents' separation. Allow about thirty-five minutes to read.

1. Before you begin

There was an announcement, or a long wearing down, or one crisis too many. Since then, your life has been under construction. You have to find somewhere to live or share the home you have, tell the family, organise the children, understand what will happen to the money and the property, make an appointment with a lawyer. And in the middle of all that, you still have to go to work, do the shopping, sleep.

People talk to you a lot about the children, the process, the division of assets. They rarely ask how you are.

Three things, right away.

What you are going through is among the most gruelling events of adult life. If you feel exhausted, confused, irritable, sad one day and relieved the next, it is not a weakness: it is the expected reaction to an upheaval in every area of life at the same time.

Most people are doing well a few years later. Studies that followed divorced adults over time show that a majority regain a satisfying life, and that some are better off than before the separation. A minority remain in great difficulty, and this guide also looks at what makes the difference.

You do not have to sort everything out at once. A separation is crossed over several months, sometimes several years for the practical matters. Each week's goal can stay modest.

Who this guide is for

For you if you are separating after a shared life, whether you are married, in a civil partnership or neither.

For you if you made the decision, if it was imposed on you, or if it was mutual.

For you with or without children, whether the separation is recent or happened months ago and you cannot find your way out of it.

It applies whatever the sex and orientation of the partners.

If you are still hesitating about leaving, first read Stay or leave: moving past indecision. If the separation follows infidelity, After infidelity: rebuilding or separating will complement this guide.

What this guide is not

It does not give legal advice. The rules on divorce, the division of property, children's living arrangements and maintenance vary from one country to another. This guide helps you approach these questions in a state that allows you to decide well; it does not replace a lawyer, a notary or a mediator.

It does not go into detail about what your children are going through: a whole programme is devoted to that.

How it is organised

Sections 2 and 3 explain what separation puts you through and what research has shown. Section 4 is devoted to the first weeks. Sections 5 to 8 deal with emotions: the gap between the two partners, grief, anger, guilt. Sections 9 to 11 cover money, the legal process and co-parenting. Sections 12 to 16 are about rebuilding: evenings and weeks alone, the people around you, the body, identity, new relationships. The final sections deal with particular situations, when to seek help, and answer common questions.

2. What separation puts you through

Several losses at once

A divorce is not one loss, but a series of losses that arrive together:

• A person who was, for years, the closest to you.
• A daily life: habits, a bed, a home, rituals.
• An imagined future: growing old together, watching the children grow up under the same roof.
• Part of your family and friends: the in-laws, shared friends who drift away.
• A status and an identity: you were "married", "a couple", "the X family".
• Material security: often a lower standard of living, at least for a while.
• Time with your children, for many parents.

These losses are not replaced all at once. Each one requires its own adjustment.

A bereavement without a death

People readily speak of grief for a divorce, and the word is right: sadness, anger, nostalgia, thoughts that keep coming back, a sense of unreality. But this grief has a particular feature. The person you have lost is still alive, often still present: you cross paths at the children's handovers, you receive their messages, you watch them rebuild their life. The grieving has to happen without the relationship ending completely.

A stress that touches everything

Separation puts pressure, all at the same time, on housing, budget, work, health, family organisation and your social network. That is why you feel overwhelmed so quickly, and why simple tasks become difficult. Tiredness, trouble concentrating, forgetfulness and irritability say nothing about your abilities: they say how heavy the load is.

Emotions that contradict each other

On the same day, you can feel love, hatred, relief, fear, nostalgia and hope. These movements follow no order. They come back in cycles, sometimes triggered by a simple message or a date. Not knowing what you feel is one of the most common states, and one of the most exhausting.

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