Leaving someone: deciding, telling them, holding firm
A lot is said about people who are left, almost nothing about people who leave. Yet leaving someone you have loved, or still love, is one of the hardest things to do. This guide helps you check that the decision is made, prepare to tell them, find the words, face their reaction, hold firm in the weeks that follow, and get through your own guilt.
Dr Zayan Al-Falasi, psychiatrist
In short
This guide is for people who have decided to end a romantic relationship, or are very close to it, whether it lasted a few weeks or twenty years. It draws on research that has studied break-ups from the side of the person who leaves: the guilt and the lack of a script, the temptation to stay so as not to hurt the other person, the blurry break-ups that prolong suffering for both. It offers pointers for preparing the conversation, exact sentences suited to different situations, responses to the hardest reactions, including threats of self-harm, and simple rules for holding to the decision. It also says when safety comes before everything else.
- Topic
- Relationships
- Who it's for
- For yourself
- Languages
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The programme
This guide is psychoeducational content. It does not replace professional support. If your partner has been violent, threatening or controlling, or if you are afraid of their reaction, do not announce the break-up alone and unprepared: the moment of separation can be a period of increased risk. Read section 6 and our programme Coercive control: recognising it and getting free, and contact a specialist helpline in your country or, if you are in immediate danger, the emergency services. If your partner threatens to kill themselves, read section 11. If you are the one thinking about dying, call your doctor the same day, or the emergency services in your country if you are in immediate danger. Allow about thirty-five minutes to read.
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What the rest contains
- 3. What research says
- 4. Have you decided?
- 5. Staying for the wrong reasons, leaving for the wrong reasons
- 6. When safety comes first
- 7. Preparing
- 8. The time and the place
- 9. The words
- 10. Facing their reaction
- 11. If they threaten to harm themselves
- 12. The first days: holding to the decision
- 13. When you live together: practical arrangements
- 14. Children
- 15. The people around you and the villain's role
- 16. Your own grief
- 17. Particular situations
- 18. When to seek help, and what to ask for
- 19. Frequently asked questions
- 20. Key points
- 21. Sources and foundations
Frequently asked questions
Do I have to give all the reasons for my decision? No. You owe the other person one honest, main reason, not an inventory. A list of grievances turns the conversation into a trial and changes nothing about the decision. If they need to understand more later, some questions can be answered, in writing or in another conversation.
Is it acceptable to break up by message? For a very short relationship, yes, and it is often better for both. For a relationship that mattered, as a rule no, unless you are afraid of the other person's reaction: in that case, safety comes before tact.
They say I can't do this to them. How do I hold firm? By reminding yourself that you have the right to end a relationship, and that the other person's pain, real as it is, does not oblige you to stay. The sentence "I hear you. My decision is made" can be repeated as many times as needed, gently.
Should I suggest staying friends? Not in the break-up conversation. Immediate friendship often delays the grieving of the person who is left and keeps hope alive. If it is to exist, it will come later, and it will be decided by both of you.
I feel relieved, and I think I'm a terrible person. Is that normal? Relief is very common in the person who leaves, especially after a long period of doubt or tension. It does not mean you didn't love, or that you are indifferent to the other person's pain. It means a weight has lifted.
What if I regret it? That is possible, and you can also regret not having left. You reduce the risk of blaming yourself by making the decision after real reflection, and by telling them clearly. If, months later, the conviction that you made a mistake persists, including in the good moments, it deserves to be looked at, with the help of a professional if need be.
They want to see me again to "talk". Should I agree? A second conversation, a few days after telling them, can help some people understand and find closure. Set a framework: a place, a length of time, a purpose. If these meetings multiply, or if they are used to reopen the decision, they do more harm than good.
They are in a very bad way. Should I check on them? Make sure people close to them know and are around, and encourage them to see a professional if necessary. Checking on them regularly yourself often keeps alive the bond you are trying to undo. If you fear for their life, call the emergency services or someone close to them (section 11).
We have children. Is it selfish to leave? Not in itself. For children, what matters most is how the separation goes, the level of conflict between the parents and the quality of parenting on each side. Leaving while protecting them from conflict is not selfish; staying in a relationship of constant tension does not protect them.