After infidelity: rebuilding or separating

1. Before you begin

You have discovered that your partner was having an affair. A message on a phone, a confession in the middle of the night, a bank statement, a friend who finally spoke up. Since then you have not been sleeping, you keep seeing scenes you never saw, and within an hour you swing from rage to wanting to hold the person who betrayed you.

Or you are the one who had this relationship. It has been discovered, or you confessed. You can see the pain you have caused, you do not know what to say, and every conversation seems to turn into a trial.

Three things, straight away.

What you are going through is an expected reaction to a shock. Thoughts that go round and round, images that force their way in, checking, insomnia, emotions that change from one minute to the next: in the betrayed partner, these reactions resemble those that follow a traumatic event. They are intense, and they ease with time and with what you do.

Many couples recover from infidelity, and some come out of it with a more honest relationship than before. Others separate, and a separation handled well is also an outcome. Neither is a failure in itself.

You do not have to decide now. Decisions taken in the first days are often taken by the pain. Unless there is danger, giving yourself a few weeks, even a few months, before deciding is almost always better.

2. What counts as infidelity

There is no single definition

For some couples a kiss is a betrayal; for others it is sex; for others still it is months of intimate messages with someone else, without ever meeting. What defines infidelity is not a specific act, but the breaking of an agreement — explicit or implicit — about what is reserved for the couple.

That is why two partners may disagree about whether there was infidelity at all. "Nothing physical happened" may be true, and the betrayed partner may still, rightly, feel betrayed.

The emotional affair

The psychologist Shirley Glass described how a friendship slides into an emotional affair. Three elements recur: secrecy — hiding the nature or intensity of the exchanges —, emotional intimacy — confiding in the other person what you no longer tell your partner —, and attraction, acknowledged or not. She summed up this shift with an image: in a solid couple there is an open window between the partners and a protective wall facing others; in an affair, the wall goes up between the partners and the window opens towards the third person.

What is known about how common it is

Large surveys show that infidelity is neither exceptional nor universal: a substantial minority of people in relationships report, over their lifetime, a sexual relationship outside their couple. Figures vary by country, by generation, and above all by how the question is asked. What matters: if this happens to you, you are not a special case, and neither is your couple.

Common misconceptions

"Infidelity proves the relationship was in trouble." Not always. Studies of the factors associated with infidelity find causes linked to the couple — distance, avoided conflicts, dissatisfaction — but also individual causes and circumstances. Some unfaithful people describe themselves as satisfied with their relationship.

"After infidelity, it's bound to be over." No. Some couples go through this crisis and stay together, with a relationship that can become satisfying again.

"Once a cheater, always a cheater." One follow-up study found that people who had been unfaithful in a previous relationship were more often unfaithful in the next one. That is a higher risk, not a destiny: what counts is what the person understands and changes.

"If I had been good enough, this would not have happened." The unfaithful partner made a choice. Both partners may have contributed to the state of the relationship; only the unfaithful partner is responsible for the affair.

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