Heartbreak: getting over a break-up
A break-up can hurt as much as a bereavement: you stop sleeping, you reread the messages, you keep checking the other person's social media, you wonder endlessly what you got wrong. This guide explains why it hurts so much, what prolongs the pain and what eases it, and offers a concrete path, from the first days to the months that follow, to find out who you are again.
Dr Zayan Al-Falasi, psychiatrist
In short
This guide is for people who have just been through a break-up, or who still cannot get over one months later, whether they were left, decided to leave, or the separation was mutual. It draws on studies that followed people day after day after a break-up: how sadness really evolves, why missing the other person resembles withdrawal, what monitoring an ex on social media does, and what helps you regain a clear sense of yourself. It offers simple rules for the first days, for contact with the ex and for thoughts that go round in circles, and says when heartbreak calls for professional help.
- Topic
- Relationships
- Who it's for
- For yourself
- Languages
- FR · EN · DE · IT · ES · ZH · AR
Français · English · Deutsch · Italiano · Español · 中文 · العربية
The programme
This guide is psychoeducational content. It does not replace professional support. If you are thinking about dying or harming yourself, call your doctor the same day, or the emergency services in your country if you are in immediate danger: a break-up is one of the events that most often precedes a suicidal crisis, especially in young people, and this kind of pain can be treated. If your ex threatens you, follows you or harasses you, or if you were afraid of them during the relationship, read our programme Coercive control: recognising it and getting free and contact a specialist helpline in your country. Allow about thirty-five minutes to read.
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What the rest contains
- 3. What research says
- 4. Left, mutual, or the one who left: three different break-ups
- 5. The first days: holding on
- 6. Contact with the ex
- 7. Social media and checking
- 8. The waves and the thoughts that go round in circles
- 9. Finding out who you are again
- 10. Reorganising daily life
- 11. Memories, objects and places
- 12. Anger, guilt, humiliation
- 13. Understanding without condemning yourself
- 14. The wish to go back
- 15. New relationships
- 16. Particular situations
- 17. When to seek help, and what to ask for
- 18. Frequently asked questions
- 19. Key points
- 20. Sources and foundations
Frequently asked questions
How long does it take to get over a break-up? There is no normal length of time. The formulas that circulate, such as "half the length of the relationship", are not based on any study. What we know is that sadness decreases on average over the weeks and months, in fits and starts, and that we generally overestimate how long it will last at the moment of the shock. If, after several months, nothing has shifted, that is a signal to ask for help, not proof that something is wrong with you.
Is it normal to think about the other person all the time? Yes, at the beginning. Intrusive thoughts are an expected reaction to losing someone important. They become a problem when they do not decrease over time, and especially when they are kept going by checking, contact and rumination.
Should I block my ex? It is not compulsory. Hiding their posts is enough for many people. Blocking becomes useful if you cannot stop yourself from looking or writing, or if the other person keeps writing without respecting your request. It is not an aggressive act, it is a protective one.
They tell me we can stay friends. Is that possible? Sometimes, later. Almost never in the weeks that follow. Immediate friendship often keeps hope alive and prevents the sadness from coming down. You can reply: "Maybe one day. For now, I need distance."
I begged, I sent messages I regret. Have I ruined everything? Almost everyone does things they are not proud of during a break-up. They are not revelations about your worth. What matters now is what you do from today: stopping contact, looking after yourself, talking to someone about it.
Will I find someone again? Nobody can promise you that. What we know is that the conviction of never finding anyone again, so common after a break-up, is a prediction made at the worst moment, and such predictions are very often too dark.
What if they were the love of my life? It is a very common thought, and it makes the break-up even more painful. A relationship that could not continue, for one reason or another, cannot be the one that stays with you for the rest of your life. You can have loved someone very deeply with whom a shared life was not possible.
My ex is already with someone else. Were they cheating on me? Not necessarily. The person who leaves has often started to detach long before the break-up, which explains how they can commit elsewhere quickly. Sometimes, indeed, the new relationship had begun before. You may never know for certain, and trying to find out often keeps rumination going more than it brings relief.
Can heartbreak make you ill? It can come with sleep problems, loss of appetite, fatigue, and sometimes depression. Chest pain is common in moments of anxiety, but unusual chest pain must always be examined by a doctor, and not automatically put down to heartbreak.