This guide is psychoeducational content. It does not replace help from a specialist organisation, the police or a doctor. In immediate danger, call the emergency services in your country. For confidential advice, contact a helpline or a specialist domestic abuse organisation in your country: they know the local services and help people prepare to leave safely. If you are afraid your phone, computer or accounts are being monitored, read this guide on a safe device — a friend's, a library's, your workplace's — or in private browsing, and read section 9. If you have been choked or strangled, even without visible marks, see a doctor. If you are thinking about dying or harming yourself, call your doctor the same day. Allow forty-five minutes to read.
1. Before you begin
At first it was intense and flattering. He wanted to know everything about you, to do everything together. Then came the remarks about your friends, your clothes, your family "who don't have your best interests at heart". The questions about your schedule. The anger when you came home late, and the apologies afterwards, with flowers. Today you check his mood before speaking, you hardly see anyone any more, you ask permission to spend a few pounds, and you wonder whether, in the end, it isn't you who is too sensitive.
Or you are the parent, the friend, the colleague of someone who has changed, who no longer answers, who seems frightened, and you don't know how to help.
Three things, straight away.
What you are experiencing has a name, and it is not your fault. Coercive control is a way of dominating a person by isolating them, monitoring them, putting them down, frightening them and controlling their daily life. It does not come from a weakness in the person subjected to it: it comes from the method of the person using it. Strong, intelligent, highly educated people find themselves caught in it.
There can be violence without hitting. Control, threats, repeated humiliation, surveillance and deprivation of money are forms of violence. In many countries psychological violence in relationships is recognised by law, and some have made coercive control an offence in its own right.
Leaving is a process, and it needs preparing. Many people make several attempts before leaving for good. That is not failure. And the time of separation can be a period of increased risk: it is prepared with help, not on impulse.
Who this guide is for
For you if you think you are in a controlling relationship, or are wondering.
For you if you are close to someone in this situation.
For you if you recognise some of these behaviours in yourself, and want them to stop. Section 14 is for you.
Coercive control is most often exercised by men over women, and the most serious forms of intimate partner violence mainly affect women. But it exists in every configuration: women exercise it over men, and it exists in same-sex couples. This guide applies to everyone. It sometimes uses "he" for the controlling partner and "she" for the person subjected to control, because that is the most common situation; adapt freely.
What this guide is not
It is not a diagnosis of your partner. What matters is not knowing "what he is", but what he does, and what you are going through.
It is not an instruction to leave now. You are the one who knows your situation, your constraints and your dangers. This guide helps you see clearly and prepare whatever you decide.
How it is organised
Part I — Recognising (sections 2 to 8). What coercive control is, its forms, how people get caught in it, why it is so hard to leave, what research says, the questions to ask yourself and the signs of high danger.
Part II — Protecting yourself and leaving (sections 9 to 12). Regaining your footing, the safety plan, the children, and rebuilding after leaving.
Part III — For others (sections 13 and 14). People close to someone in this situation, and people who recognise these behaviours in themselves.
Part IV — Going further (sections 15 to 19). Particular situations, where to find help, frequently asked questions, key points and sources.
2. What coercive control is
A system, not an incident
An argument that gets out of hand, a hurtful word in anger, an evening of shouting do not make a controlling relationship. What defines coercive control is a set of repeated behaviours, which reinforce one another, and whose effect is to deprive a person of their freedom: to see whom they want, to use their own money, to dress, to work, to think for themselves, and often to feel safe in their own home.
The sociologist Evan Stark, who put forward the concept of coercive control, stresses that what does the most harm is not always physical violence, but the gradual loss of freedom. In France, the psychiatrist Marie-France Hirigoyen described emprise, a hold one person gains over another: a process by which one person takes power over another, until the latter loses confidence in their own judgement.
Conflict and control
The sociologist Michael Johnson showed that very different realities are grouped under the words "domestic violence":
- In some couples, arguments escalate sometimes into violent acts, often on both sides, without one partner dominating the other in general.
- In others, one partner exercises general control over the other, by a range of means, with or without physical violence. It is this form that is associated with the most serious violence, injuries and homicides.
These two situations have neither the same risks nor the same solutions. What distinguishes them is not whether there are arguments, but fear and loss of freedom.
What it is not
- Two partners who argue loudly but can each say no, see their friends and use their money without being afraid of the other. For these situations, our programme Arguing less, talking better can help.
- A jealous partner who suffers and asks too many questions, without forbidding, monitoring or threatening. Our programme When jealousy takes over the relationship discusses this, and explains when jealousy tips into control.
How many people are affected
According to World Health Organization estimates, about one in four women who have been in a relationship has experienced physical or sexual violence from a partner in her lifetime. Psychological violence and control are more common still, and harder to measure. Men are also victims, and often talk about it less.
Frequently asked questions
He has never hit me. Is it really abuse?
Yes, if you live in fear, your freedom is restricted, you are monitored, humiliated, threatened or deprived of money. Coercive control can exist without hitting, and is recognised as a form of violence in many countries. It is also often the ground on which physical violence later occurs.
Is he a narcissist?
The word is very widely used, but on its own it is not a diagnosis: medical classifications recognise a narcissistic personality disorder, but a diagnosis cannot be made at a distance, and it is not needed in order to act. What matters are the behaviours, their effects on you, and your safety, whatever the label.
I've shouted too, and once I pushed him. Am I violent?
It is common for people living under control to react one day to fear or humiliation with a gesture or shouting, and then use it to tell themselves they are "just as guilty". Researchers distinguish violence used to control from violence that responds to violence or control. Talk to an organisation or a professional, who will help you see clearly.
Can he change?
Some people change, often with specialist support, and over a long period. But promises made at the moment you talk about leaving are rarely followed by lasting change. Change is measured by actions repeated over months, and your safety cannot depend on the hope that he will change.
Should I report him to the police?
It is your decision, and it may depend on your situation and on how the justice system works in your country. A report can open the way to protective measures. An organisation or a lawyer can help you assess the best moment, and prepare your safety around this step.
I went back to him. Have I failed?
No. Many people leave several times before leaving for good. Each attempt taught you something. Keep your contacts, your diary, your safety plan, and know that you can contact an organisation again at any time.
How can I tell if my phone is being monitored?
Some signs may suggest it: he knows things you have only shared by message, he knows where you were, your phone behaves unusually. Use a safe device to look for help, and talk to a specialist organisation before deleting anything: sudden removal can alert your partner.
My ex keeps controlling me through the children. What can I do?
Limit exchanges to matters concerning the children, in writing, and keep them. Ask your lawyer or the judge for arrangements: handovers in a neutral place, a monitored communication app, supervised contact if needed. Inform the school of any court orders.
My friend is in a controlling relationship and refuses to leave him. What can I do?
Stay present, without ultimatums or harsh criticism of the partner. Tell her you believe her, that you are there whatever she decides, and discreetly give her the details of a helpline. In immediate danger, call the emergency services.