Saying no: standing up for yourself

This guide is psychoeducational content. It does not replace a consultation. If you are afraid of how the person concerned will react, if your refusals lead to reprisals, threats or violence, this guide is not suited to your situation: see section 14 and our programme Coercive control: recognising it and getting free. If fear of judgement stops you taking part in most social situations, it may be social anxiety, which responds well to treatment: see section 16. Allow twenty-five minutes to read.

1. Before you begin

You are asked to take over a colleague's file. You hear your own voice say "yes, no problem", when your week is already full. Or it is your mother, for one more Sunday. Or a friend borrowing money again. In the evening you replay the scene on a loop, with the sentence you should have said.

Three things, straight away.

Saying no is not aggression. It is the third way between staying silent and blowing up: saying what you want, calmly, without attacking the other person.

It is not a character trait, it is a skill. It is learned, worked on in stages, and it improves quickly when you start with easy situations.

The feared consequences almost never happen. That is the most consistent finding in research on the subject: we greatly overestimate the anger, disappointment and rejection a refusal would cause.

Who this guide is for

For you if you agree to things you don't want to do, and it costs you.

For you if you don't dare ask: for a raise, a favour, a change, help.

For you if you go from silence to explosion, with nothing in between.

What this guide is not

It is not a method for getting what you want from someone. Standing up for yourself means stating your position clearly, not guaranteeing an answer.

It is not a guide for getting out of a relationship where you are afraid. There, the problem is not the way you say things.

How it is organised

Part I — Understanding (sections 2 to 5). Four ways of reacting, what research says, why it is difficult, and where you stand.

Part II — The tools (sections 6 to 11). The thoughts that block you, body and voice, saying no, asking for a change, asking for something, holding firm.

Part III — Situations (sections 12 to 15). Everyday life, work, unequal or dangerous relationships, and the guilt afterwards.

Part IV — Going further (sections 16 to 19). When to seek help, frequently asked questions, key points and sources.

2. Four ways of reacting

Take a situation: a colleague asks you, at five o'clock on Friday, to proofread a document for Monday morning.

The passive response

"Yes, of course, I'll see what I can do." You spend your Sunday on it, you say nothing, and you resent everyone.

What it costs: time, energy, self-esteem, and resentment that builds up.

The aggressive response

"Are you joking? You always leave it to the last minute!" You may get your way, but at the cost of the relationship.

What it costs: conflict, a reputation, and often shame afterwards.

The passive-aggressive response

"Yes, yes." Then the document comes back on Monday at noon, rushed, with a sigh. Or a sharp remark in a meeting.

What it costs: trust, and a problem that is never settled.

The assertive response

"No, I won't be able to this weekend. If you like, I can read it late on Monday."

What it requires: a clear position, a steady voice, no attack, and no endless justification.

The simple rule

Standing up for yourself means saying what you want, what you don't want and what you need, without denying what the other person wants, doesn't want and needs.

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