LonelinessFor yourself30 min read

Making friends as an adult

After school and university, friendships no longer happen by themselves. Moves, work, children, separations: many adults see their circle shrink without knowing how to rebuild it. This guide explains how friendships are born, where to find the right opportunities, how to take the first step, move from acquaintance to friend, and keep friendships going over time.

Reviewed on September 29, 2026
Dr Zayan Al-Falasi, psychiatrist

In short

This guide is for adults who would like more friends, or closer ones: after a move, a break-up, the arrival of children, retirement, or simply because their circle has shrunk over the years. It starts from what research has shown about how friendships are born — proximity, regularity, time spent together, gradually confiding in one another — and turns it into concrete steps. It also addresses inner obstacles, such as fear of rejection or shyness, and particular situations.

Topic: Loneliness
Who it's for: For yourself
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The programme

This guide is psychoeducational content. It does not replace a consultation. If the fear of being judged stops you taking part in most social situations, it may be social anxiety, which responds well to treatment: see section 14. If isolation comes with lasting sadness, loss of interest in everything or dark thoughts, talk to your doctor, and do so the same day if you are thinking about dying. Allow thirty minutes to read.

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1. Before you begin

At twenty, friends seemed to come by themselves: classes, flatshares, evenings out. Today, your old friends live far away, have children, impossible schedules. You moved for a job, or after a separation. Your days are full, but your weekends are empty. And you don't really know how people make friends at thirty-five, fifty or seventy.

Three things, straight away.

If it is harder than it used to be, it is not because something is wrong with you. It is because the conditions that produced friendships — seeing each other often, without planning it, in a setting that invites confiding — have largely disappeared from adult life.

A friendship is built more than it is found. It takes time spent together, regularity, and initiative. That is good news: it means you can act.

Many other adults are looking too. And many are waiting for someone else to take the first step. If you take it, you are doing more people a favour than you think.

2. Why it is harder as an adult

What used to produce friendships

At school, at university, in first jobs, three conditions came together almost effortlessly:

Proximity: you saw the same people every day.
Unplanned repetition: you crossed paths without having to organise anything.
A setting that invites confiding: free time, shared moments, evenings when you talked about everything.

What changes

In adult life, these conditions fade:

Time shrinks: work, commuting, children, ageing parents.
People move: for a job, a partner, cheaper housing.
Priorities shift: family, relationship and career often come first.
Meetings become planned: to see someone, you have to organise, find a date, and each meeting becomes a small project.

Networks narrow with age

Laura Carstensen's research shows that as they grow older, many people narrow their circle by choice: they keep the relationships that matter most and let the others go. This narrowing is not a problem when it is chosen. It becomes one when close ties disappear — through a move, a bereavement, a separation — and the smaller circle is no longer enough.

What this means

If you have few friends today, it is mainly the consequence of these changes. And since the conditions no longer recreate themselves, you have to recreate them deliberately.

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What the rest contains

3. What research says
4. What kind of friends do you need?
5. Where to meet people
6. Taking the first step
7. From acquaintance to friend
8. Keeping friendships going
9. Reviving old friendships
10. Inner obstacles
11. When you are short of time
12. Particular situations
13. Friendships that don't take, or that end
14. When to seek help
15. Frequently asked questions
16. Key points
17. Sources and foundations

Frequently asked questions

How long does it take to make a friend? There is no fixed length of time, but research gives an order of magnitude: a few dozen hours spent together for a light friendship, much more for a close one. In practice, that often means several months of regular meetings.

Is it strange to suggest to someone that you become friends? There is no need to put it that way. Suggesting a specific activity — a coffee, an outing — is enough, and most people are pleased that you did.

What should I do if I'm always the one who follows up? At the start of a friendship this is common and not necessarily a sign of lack of interest: many people take the initiative less, out of shyness or lack of time. If it is still the case after several months, you can talk about it, or invest more in more reciprocal relationships.

All my friends have children and I don't. How can I stay close? Adapt the formats: go to their place, suggest activities that work with children, accept shorter meetings. And also widen your circle with people who have more free time.

Can you really make friends at work? Yes, many friendships are born at work, because proximity and repetition come together there. To make them last, you need to keep them alive outside work too. And it is wise not to have all your friends in the same company.

I'm shy: how can I dare go to an activity on my own? Choose a structured activity, where you do something together rather than chat standing up. Arrive a little early, when there are few people. And set yourself a modest goal: exchanging a few words with one person.

Do apps for making friends work? They can help, especially after a move. They work better when they quickly lead to real, then repeated, meetings. Meet in a public place, and be wary of any request for money.

At seventy, is there still time? Yes. Friendships are born at every age. Associations, volunteering, clubs and neighbourhood activities are places where many older people create new and precious ties.

friendshipfriendssocial relationshipslonelinessshynesssocial connectionadultsnetwork

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