Loneliness: rebuilding connection

This guide is psychoeducational content. It does not replace a consultation. If for several weeks loneliness has come with constant sadness, loss of interest in everything, or problems with sleep or appetite, it may be depression, which can be treated: talk to your doctor. If you feel your life no longer has any meaning, that nobody would miss you, or if you are thinking about dying, call your doctor the same day or, in immediate danger, the emergency services or a helpline in your country. Allow thirty-five minutes to read.

1. Before you begin

On Friday evening, you watch other people leave to meet someone. Sunday never ends. Your phone stays silent, and you don't dare write, for fear of bothering people. Or you are surrounded — colleagues, family, a partner — and yet you feel alone, because nobody really knows what you are going through.

Perhaps it began after a move, a separation, a bereavement, retirement, time off work. Perhaps it has been like this for a long time.

Three things, straight away.

Loneliness is a signal, not a flaw. Just as hunger or thirst signal a need of the body, loneliness signals a need for connection. Almost everyone feels it at some point in their life. There is nothing shameful about it, and it says nothing about your worth.

It changes the way you see others, and that is what keeps it going. When you feel lonely, you become more alert to signs of rejection, you expect to be poorly received, you dare less. Other people pick up on it, and the circle closes. Understanding this mechanism is the first step out.

Loneliness can ease. Not in a weekend, and not just by "getting out more". The approaches that have worked best combine a change in the way you see relationships with repeated opportunities for contact, chosen and on a scale that suits you.

Who this guide is for

For you if you feel lonely, often or for a long time.

For you if your social life has shrunk after a change, and you don't know where to start again.

For you if you have people around you but lack close ties.

To help someone else who is withdrawing, our programme Helping a loved one who is withdrawing is written for family and friends. And to build new friendships in practice, Making friends as an adult goes through each step.

What this guide is not

It is not a dating guide, even though some of the tools apply.

It is not a treatment programme for social anxiety or depression, even though it says how to recognise them and where to turn.

How it is organised

Part I — Understanding (sections 2 to 4). What loneliness is, what research says, and the trap that keeps it going.

Part II — Taking action (sections 5 to 11). Taking stock, changing the way you see things, small ties, dormant ties, regular opportunities, moving from acquaintance to friendship, screens.

Part III — Situations (sections 12 to 15). Practical obstacles, particular situations, looking after yourself in the meantime, and when loneliness hides something else.

Part IV — Going further (sections 16 to 19). When to seek help, frequently asked questions, key points and sources.

2. What loneliness is

A feeling, not a number of contacts

Researchers define loneliness as the painful gap between the relationships you have and the ones you would like to have. It is a feeling. You can see a lot of people and feel lonely; you can see few people and not suffer from it.

It needs to be distinguished from two things:

• Isolation, which is an objective situation: living alone, seeing few people, having few contacts. Isolation makes loneliness more likely, but does not always produce it.
• Chosen solitude, those moments when you are alone because you want to be: reading, walking, creating, resting. It can be precious, and this guide does not try to get rid of it.

Two forms of loneliness

The sociologist Robert Weiss distinguished two forms, which are not remedied in the same way:

• Emotional loneliness: the absence of a close relationship, of a person to whom you really matter, with whom you can say anything. It often follows a break-up, widowhood, or a lasting absence of an intimate bond.
• Social loneliness: the absence of a network, a group, a sense of belonging — friends, colleagues, a community. It often follows a move, a change of job, retirement.

A new friend does not replace a partner who has died, and a partner does not replace a network of friends. Knowing which form dominates for you helps you choose where to act.

Passing or entrenched

Passing loneliness goes with transitions: the first months in a new town, after a separation. It often prompts people to reconnect, and it fades.

Entrenched loneliness, which lasts months or years, tends to keep itself going. It is mainly this kind that this guide is about.

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