Depression & moodFor someone close55 min read

Helping someone close who is depressed

Someone you love no longer gets up, no longer replies, refuses everything you suggest — and you no longer know whether to press on or say nothing. This guide sets out what genuinely helps, what makes things worse without anyone meaning it to, how to talk about suicidal thoughts, how to bring someone to care without forcing them, and how to keep going yourself without losing your own health.

In short

This guide is for those close to a depressed person: partner, parent, grown-up child, friend, colleague. It starts from what research has established: asking directly about suicide does not increase the risk, repeated criticism favours relapse, practical help is worth more than encouragement, and going with someone to care counts for more than advising them to seek it. It also describes what exhausts those close to the person, how to share the load, and when to call for help without waiting.

Topic: Depression & mood
Who it's for: For someone close
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The programme

This guide is psychoeducational content. It does not replace a consultation. If the person close to you is in immediate danger — they have begun to act, they can no longer keep themselves safe, they are very agitated or heavily intoxicated with specific intentions — stay with them, remove anything dangerous and call the emergency services in your country. Outside an immediate emergency, a suicide prevention line, the general practitioner or a crisis service can be contacted the same day: see sections 13 and 14. Never advise the person close to you to stop or change a prescribed treatment on their own. Allow fifty-five minutes to read.

1. Before you begin

It is six in the evening and the shutters are still closed. You have done the shopping, tidied the kitchen, told their work. You have suggested a walk, a film, a weekend at their parents', an appointment with the doctor. They have said no to everything, kindly, or not kindly. In the end you said the thing you had sworn not to say: 'you could make an effort.' And now you feel bad about it, you are angry, and you are tired as you have never been.

Three things, straight away.

You are not responsible for their recovery. You cannot treat a depression with your presence, your patience or your love. What you can do is something else, and it is considerable: maintaining a connection, making things possible, and linking the person to care that does work.

What they refuse is not aimed at you. Depression switches off desire before it switches off affection. A repeated 'no' is a symptom, not a verdict on the relationship.

Your own state is part of the equation. Those close to depressed people more often than others have fatigue, anxiety, insomnia and depressive symptoms. Keeping going over time means looking after yourself as well, and this guide devotes a whole section to it.

Who this guide is for

For you if you live with someone who has been unwell for weeks and you no longer know what to say.

For you if you are the parent of a depressed young adult, or the grown-up child of a parent who is sinking.

For you if a friend or a colleague worries you and you wonder whether it is your place.

For you if the person close to you already has a treatment and you want to understand what is going on, and what you can do.

2. Depression seen from the outside

What you see, and what it means

You see someone who no longer does anything, who stays in bed, who refuses invitations, who no longer answers messages, who gets irritated over nothing, who cries or who no longer cries at all. From the outside, it looks like laziness, like a lack of interest, sometimes like bad will.

From the inside, it is something else. Here is the translation of the behaviours you are observing.

'He does nothing.' Desire has disappeared. It is not that he is choosing the sofa over the walk: it is that no option holds any attraction, including the ones he used to love.
'He refuses everything I suggest.' Every suggestion is assessed through a filter of fatigue and negative anticipation. Saying yes commits him to spending energy he is not sure he has.
'He sleeps all the time' or 'he no longer sleeps'. Sleep is one of the functions most affected. Long sleep does not restore.
'He is aggressive.' Irritability is a frequent feature, especially in men and adolescents. The threshold of tolerance for noise, demands and the unexpected collapses.
'He does not listen to me.' Concentration and immediate memory are affected. He often has not retained yesterday's conversation.
'He says he is worthless.' A self-devaluing judgement is a symptom, just like the fatigue. It is not an opinion to be debated, it is a sign of the illness.
'He no longer washes.' Personal hygiene requires a series of decisions and actions that the slowing-down makes costly.

What he cannot do to reassure you

He cannot promise you that it will be better tomorrow, nor explain to you why he is unwell, nor tell you what he needs — most often, he does not know. Asking him for these three things adds a task to someone who can no longer manage.

An illness that can be treated

This is the message to keep in mind when you doubt. Depression is among the best-treated disorders: several structured psychotherapies and several drug treatments have proved their effectiveness, and combining the two does better in severe forms. What is missing, most of the time, is not the treatment: it is the path to it. You can contribute to that path.

To understand in detail what the person close to you is living through, our programme Understanding depression is the direct companion to this one; many people close to a depressed person read it first.

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Frequently asked questions

Might I put the idea into his head if I talk about suicide? No. This is the most frequent fear, and the studies that have tested it show no increase in suicidal thoughts after the question has been asked. Most often, the person is relieved that someone dared. Ask it directly and calmly: 'are you thinking about suicide?'

How far should I press for him to seek help? Press on the suggestion, not on the person: offer it again regularly, changing the form and lowering the step — the general practitioner rather than a specialist, a single consultation rather than a whole course, you doing the accompanying rather than him doing the organising. Avoid ultimatums, which are rarely followed through and do lasting damage.

Should I let him sleep or push him to get up? Neither, in the form of an instruction. Offer a reason to get up, short and shared: a coffee together, an errand, a lift. A roughly regular getting-up time genuinely helps, but it is obtained through invitations, not through orders.

He refuses all my suggestions. Should I stop making them? No, but change the format: smaller, with you, at a precise time, and towards the end of the day rather than on waking. One refusal in three is normal. What wears you down is not the refusal, it is commenting on it.

I do everything in his place. Is that a mistake? It is the most frequent trap. Doing things in someone's place brings relief in the moment, exhausts you, and takes away from the person close to you the chances to act, when action is precisely what will bring them out of the episode. The rule: do things with them rather than in their place, and leave them whatever they can still take on.

Can I call his doctor without his agreement? Yes, you can pass on what you observe. Medical confidentiality will prevent the professional from replying to you, but they can listen to you or read your letter, and that information often changes the consultation. Tell the person close to you rather than doing it in secret, where that is possible.

He is better and wants to stop his treatment. What should I do? Do not decide in his place and do not oppose it head-on: refer him back to the prescriber. A treatment is generally continued for several months after improvement, and it is stopped gradually, in steps, with the doctor. 'Tell him and ask how it is done' is the right answer.

What should I tell the children? The truth, in simple words suited to their age, in three messages: what the illness is, that it is not their fault, and that adults are dealing with it. Protect their daily life, let them carry on with their activities, and never put them in the position of watching over or consoling a parent.

I am angry with him, is that monstrous? No, it is frequent and understandable. Anger is the usual reaction to exhaustion and powerlessness. It becomes harmful only when it is denied: name it to someone outside the situation, regularly, and far less of it will come out at home.

Can I go away for a weekend while he is unwell? Yes, unless there is an immediate risk, in which case you arrange for someone to be there. You need to catch your breath in order to keep going; people close who forbid themselves everything end up collapsing or becoming hard, and both are worse for everyone.

He says very harsh things to me. Do I have to take it all? No. Irritability is part of the illness, and you are not obliged to absorb daily insults. Do not respond in the moment, come back to the substance later, and say what you cannot take. In the case of violence or threats, get yourself somewhere safe and call for help.

How long is this going to last? That depends on the severity and on how quickly care is arranged. With suitable treatment, improvement is generally much faster than without. What you can influence is the delay before care — and it is one of the few factors that really counts.

depressioncarerfamily and friendslisteningsuicidal thoughtsexhaustionsupportfamily

Depression & mood

Understanding depression

Depression is not great sadness: it is an illness that switches off desire, slows the body and distorts thinking. This guide explains what is happening, why withdrawal makes things worse, and what has genuinely proved itself as a way out — starting again through action, working on your thoughts, treating sleep, and knowing when medication or psychotherapy are indicated.

65 min readMembers only