Emotion regulation: the toolkit

Frequently asked questions

Isn't regulating my emotions the same as denying them? No, it is the opposite. Every tool here starts by naming precisely what is present. What denies is suppression, and that is exactly the strategy we advise against.

How long before something changes? A well-chosen tool has an effect in the moment, on one specific episode. A change in functioning is measured in weeks: the log usually shows shorter episodes and less costly aftermaths after three to four weeks; the intensity of the peaks, on the other hand, changes little: what goes down is what they cost you (section 18).

I can't tell what I feel. Where do I start? That is common and it can be trained. Start with the body (where, and what it is like) before looking for a word. The list on sheet 2, "Naming what I feel", is there for exactly that.

How do I know whether I am at six or at eight? A simple marker: from eight upwards, you can no longer follow a conversation or read a paragraph to the end, and a single idea takes up all the space. At six, you feel strongly, but you can still ask yourself what is going on. If in doubt, take a tool from drawer 2: the long out-breath or grounding cost nothing if they turn out to be unnecessary, whereas a thinking tool used too high up fails and discourages you. Over the weeks, the log on sheet 3 sharpens your markers.

Why, on some days, does the slightest thing make me explode? Because the intensity depends on the state the event finds you in, and not only on the event. A short night, a skipped meal, one drink too many the night before, pain or several days without seeing anyone lower the threshold, and the remark that slides off you on a good day sends you up to eight on a bad one. This is drawer 1 territory (section 7). Note these factors in the log for a week: the link often appears by itself.

Should I express my anger or keep it to myself? Neither, in the usual sense. Keeping it in by gritting your teeth does not reduce it and has a cost (section 15); discharging it by shouting or hitting does not calm it and can keep it going. The third way is to come back down first, then to say what made you angry, once, calmly, describing the fact and what you are asking for. Anger is often right about the substance; it is the timing and the form that decide whether it will be heard.

I exploded even though I knew the tools. Have I failed? No. Relapses are part of learning, especially in the first months, and a single episode does not wipe out the progress you have made. Treat it as information: once you are back down, fill in the line in the log and look for the moment when the intensity went above seven. Ask yourself what you lacked at that instant: the tool was not to hand, the tiredness was too great, or the situation was new. Repair if something needs repairing, then add what you have learned to your personal plan.

Can I do this on my own? Yes, in the main. Two exceptions: if an actual disorder is present (section 17), and if the work concerns a trauma, in which case it is better to be accompanied.

Someone close to me often loses their temper. How can I help without wearing myself out? You can help them spot their signals and remind them, at the right moment, of the tool they chose while calm (section 14). You are not responsible for their regulation, and you have the right to leave the room when voices rise, saying that you will pick up the conversation later. If their anger frightens you, or comes with threats, blows or objects being thrown, your safety comes first: talk to a professional about it, and if you are in danger, call the emergency services in your country.

I do not have time to do everything. What should I prioritise? Keep the rule of deciding nothing from seven upwards, a fixed wake-up time, and a single drawer 2 move repeated for a few minutes a day, the long out-breath for example. That takes less than ten minutes a day, and it already prevents a good share of the damage. The rest will come once these habits are in place.

Do positive emotions get regulated too? Yes, and it is a blind spot. People who systematically cut off their pleasant emotions, out of superstition, fear of disappointment or habit, impoverish themselves. Letting what is good last is a skill too.

Will I have to do this all my life? At the start these moves are conscious and costly. With repetition part of it becomes automatic: you will notice the bodily signal before the emotion, and step away before having decided to. What remains is usually two or three tools, not twelve.