Supporting a bereaved child or adolescent

What a child understands about death at each age, the exact words for telling them, and the factor that best predicts how they will fare — it is not the one people assume, and it depends on you.

En resumen

This guide is for a parent, step-parent, grandparent, teacher or professional supporting a child or adolescent after a death. It sets out what research has established: how the understanding of death is built up with age, what a child's grief actually looks like, what helps and what harms despite good intentions, and above all the best-demonstrated protective factor — of which you are the carrier. It also says precisely when to seek help, and what to ask for.

This guide accompanies you; it replaces nobody. The great majority of bereaved children need neither a diagnosis nor a treatment: they need adults who are present and informed. A minority, however, develop lasting difficulties that can be treated — section 22 says how to recognise them and what to ask for. If the child or adolescent talks about dying, about joining the person who died, if they are harming themselves, or if they are in danger, do not wait: contact your doctor, a paediatric emergency service or a helpline in your area today. Allow forty minutes to read.

1. Before you start

Someone has died, and now you have to look after a child — while you yourself are in pieces. You do not know what to say. You do not know whether to take them to the funeral. You do not know why they are playing as though nothing had happened, nor why a seven-year-old is wetting the bed again, nor why your teenager slammed the door and will not talk.

You are probably afraid of making things worse by saying the wrong thing.

Supporting a bereaved child or adolescent

1. Before you start

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Grief: understanding it, getting through it, and knowing when to ask for help